Never As They Seem...

Writing about it is the only way I can even begin to heal.

Waking up in the middle of the night,







Throwing up,






Panicing.






Worst dream ever...






Only, it wasn't a dream.


For it was,
Unexpected.
That is exactly how it came to me.
Unexpectedly hurt... what do I do now?
Working for a goal, aiming perfectly, dead-set, and then I miss.
Gone.
*Poof* Here comes Puff the Magic Dragon!

He stole life from me.
I had it right in my pocket, too.
Must be one hell of a pick-pocket.
My hat goes off to you, Mister.

I just want an explanation.
Of course it was my fault... it is always my fault.
"And I don't know which way is up!"

My confession?
I suffer from depression.
Hey... at least I can still rhyme.
But its true, and I'm so good at lying that even I believe I'm happy.

It has always been like this, though, I suppose.
I'm not really ever allowed to be happy, to be thoughtful, to be... in love.
He ran away.
And I knew it would happen sooner or goddamn later.

In fact, I TOLD him he'd get rid of me...
His response?
"I don't think I could ever break up with you."
Lies.

But that's okay, I guess.
I just have to stay away from Umbrellas and guys named Simon.
And I'll be okay.
Okay?

Still... Unexpected.
It hit me, hard.
Like a slap in the face.
Couldn't breathe... suffocating inside myself.

All day I've had panic attacks.
"Is this real life?"

In time, I want to believe I'll make it.
I mean, I can't make someone love me.
I'll have to accept that.

I don't think I can do this.
How can I agree to something I don't want?
I guess I knew we had to; if its what is best for him...

I can't really say anymore.
It hurts.

How Soon Is Now?

My thoughts are confused... excuse the sporadic paragraphs and random sentences :] 

  So I'm sitting on my bed, shuffling through my out-dated ipod, when I stumble across the Smiths. To be honest? I've never really been a fan. Something about Morrissey's voice bugs the hell out of me; its almost whiney. But today, a part of me had to stop and listen.
   Okay, so the only reason I stopped is because a guy that I'm mad for is a fan, and anything that brings to life the slightest memory of him makes me smile.
   Anyway! We all have songs that speak to us...don't we? Well, "How Soon Is Now?" had taken me to another world...another universe. Morrissey's annoying voice was calling, beckoning me to find another meaning in his lyrics. He sings, "I am human and I need to be loved."
   Something had hit me. Something that I had never wanted to admit, something that had been boiling and festering on my tongue, swelling my mouth.
   I didn't understand then why I was upset, why this one simple lyric from an awful band that I hated had struck me down! PMS?
   No, it wasn't that. :P
   I had an epiphany... sort of.
   After all the pain I had put my family through when I abandoned them had all been worth while.
Okay, that sounds tacky and terrible, but just hear me out.
  This song made me think of...
  This person I had met..
   Someone special... someone I could see myself with for a very, VERY long time.
   I would never have met him if it wasn't for my selfish, spoiled, "I hate my family!" teenage angst!
  
   "See," Morrissey says, "I've already waited too long, and all my hope is gone."
I can honestly say, from the bottom of my tin heart, that love for me was out of the question. Finding someone was OUT OF THE QUESTION. It had always been school that came first, a career, a plan. But life comes unexpectedly sometimes...my plan was thrown out of whack.
   I somehow found myself making plans that suited him.. my future, not wanting to join the military, wanting to do anything and everything I can to stay with him.
   He's saved my life, in a bizarre way.
 
 I'm not a person of many words... wait, that's a lie.
I have my own perspective on life (don't we all?).
I'm one who thinks that dating is an irresponsible disposition and should be avoided at all costs.. especially when it leads to marriage! and children! and eventually to the loss of happiness when, most times, relationships end in the fiery pits of hell!
-sigh-
But here I am... sappy Jamie, in love with someone who brings out the best in me.
Its crazy! Absolutely psycho!
Me? In love?

JAMIE MILLER:

1. I have very few friends, due to the fact that I'm not a "people-person" and I offend most that I talk to.
2. I've never wanted any children.. and if I did, I'd teach them sign language so they wouldn't be able to speak, and on their first day of school I'd call out, "Good luck signing today!"
3. I've always been a teacher's pet. In fact, I passed most of my classes by sucking-up and becoming a-what Ace Ventura would call- "Helpy Helperton." Most kiddos aren't interested in buddy-ing around with the class pet.
4. I correct people. I can't help it! I always have to be right...
5. I have conversations with people in public places... without them knowing. When I see someone talking I act as if they're talking to me.. and I nod and say, "Really?! No way!"
6. The friends I do have are guys. Girls and I just do no get along. Girls are such bitches.. I could never be a full-on lesbian.
7. I'm racist against everyone. Whites, blacks, hispanics, asians... everyone in between. Race makes me laugh.. especially when suckers use it to get ahead in life. "Ugh.. that guy won't hire me because I'm black! I just know it, man!" "Really? Because it says here on your resume that you used to be a drug dealer..."

haha.. I guess I have no real purpose for this at all. I thought I had a point to all of this, but right now, nothing comes to mind.

I wish I could consider myself a pretty girl, someone who makes every guy/girl turn around and say, "Hey, she is the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen." But you know what, ever other girl in the world wants that, and most girls already have that...  and I suppose I don't really need that.
I have Kele.. someone who loves me anyway, I think?
LOL Right... I should totally have more self-confidence.
Mind is blurry.. and I'm tired, but I want to finish this.
Hmm.. I'll finish it with another reference from The Smiths:
                       There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
"And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us..
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die."

I wish I was not such a sappy, pathetic girl, but I am.
I'm patheticly in love with someone who drives me up the wall... and then some.
He's amazing.. he truly is, and I hope he knows that... :-)
He's not the brightest (sorry, love) crayon in the box, but that's alright by me.
I pray that everyone gets to meet someone who makes them happy, as he has done for me.

Tim, someone will find you!
Quit bitching! :-D
You're great.. just be happy.

Okay, I am starting to sound lame and I have managed to go completely off subject.
Of course.. thats totally me.
"No-sense Jamie."

You have to make good things happen, you cannot expect them to just fall into your lap
(thats what she said).

A special thanks to my friend Andrew, whose been a good outlet for me and keeps my dreams alive!
PARTY ALL THE TIME UP IN RISD!

Be good, be safe, be you, and just chillaaxxxxxx.
Breathe.
I am not the poster girl for happiness, but I know what makes me happy.
BLAH BLAH BLAH

done talking.. peace!

ANGST

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be writing.. or "blogging."

Truth is, I'm absolutely terrified of becoming addicted to this.

Maybe I'll start a story.. something crazy, something sexy, something fun.

"IDK my BFF Rose.."

That's all that comes to mind right now.

My name is Jamie.

I live in a house.

My best friend's name is Gerry. (not really.)

Come on, does this do anything for anybody?

I'm random at most.. and I've always wondered if you can suffocate someone in a spacebag...

I'm too young to marry, but maybe.. just maybe someday.

I'm racist against EVERYONE!

White people, black people, asians, hispanics.. you name it, I'm against it.

I guess I'm against everything.

Religion, politics, people.

I've never been down with O.P.P. :~D

You could call this rebellion my teenage angst.

We all go through it at some point in time.. just like we all hit our mid-life crisis.

My point in life is to save the children of our future..

even though I'm a child myself.

I'm lost, like Jay Gatsby from Fitgerald's The Great Gatsby.

I spend my life wasting away for the bigger picture.. something that is unobtainable.

It's true, I've proposed to the love of my life.

And boy, what an idiot am I.

Let HIM propose.. maybe I'd feel more satisfied.

Want to hear a joke?

WOMAN'S SUFFRAGE!

Funny, right?

Ironic.. that I'm almost of age to vote and are too a female.

Maybe you'll want to read my pathetic writing.

Maybe you won't.

Doesn't really matter.. I'm here for my own enjoyment.

Please, feedback?

Maybe?

No?

Ahh.. that's alright.

Everyone learns to love my sense of speech.. mind.

Whatever.

I'm into writing.. maybe I'll let you in on my darkest secrets.. maybe not.

There are a lot of maybe's in this world.. and in this post.

ANGST..

there, that sums it all up.