Never As They Seem...

Writing about it is the only way I can even begin to heal.

Waking up in the middle of the night,







Throwing up,






Panicing.






Worst dream ever...






Only, it wasn't a dream.


For it was,
Unexpected.
That is exactly how it came to me.
Unexpectedly hurt... what do I do now?
Working for a goal, aiming perfectly, dead-set, and then I miss.
Gone.
*Poof* Here comes Puff the Magic Dragon!

He stole life from me.
I had it right in my pocket, too.
Must be one hell of a pick-pocket.
My hat goes off to you, Mister.

I just want an explanation.
Of course it was my fault... it is always my fault.
"And I don't know which way is up!"

My confession?
I suffer from depression.
Hey... at least I can still rhyme.
But its true, and I'm so good at lying that even I believe I'm happy.

It has always been like this, though, I suppose.
I'm not really ever allowed to be happy, to be thoughtful, to be... in love.
He ran away.
And I knew it would happen sooner or goddamn later.

In fact, I TOLD him he'd get rid of me...
His response?
"I don't think I could ever break up with you."
Lies.

But that's okay, I guess.
I just have to stay away from Umbrellas and guys named Simon.
And I'll be okay.
Okay?

Still... Unexpected.
It hit me, hard.
Like a slap in the face.
Couldn't breathe... suffocating inside myself.

All day I've had panic attacks.
"Is this real life?"

In time, I want to believe I'll make it.
I mean, I can't make someone love me.
I'll have to accept that.

I don't think I can do this.
How can I agree to something I don't want?
I guess I knew we had to; if its what is best for him...

I can't really say anymore.
It hurts.